I was an early developer, I was one of the youngest kids in my class but one of the first to have to start wearing a bra. I started going through puberty at the age of 10 when I was in my 6th year of primary school. My GP was quite confident that my psoriasis would ease off while my body was going through the massive hormonal changes that were ahead. Unfortunately for me he was totally wrong.
As my body developed into that of a woman's my psoriasis got worse. Where there had been small patches there were now large angry looking red areas. These patches grew in size and became increasingly inflamed and itchy. The flaking skin was a source of constant embarrassment to me as I couldn't wear anything without it being coated in white skin flakes. Psoriasis patched on my stomach and back started to join up and I ended up with patches covering almost 60% of my stomach and back. The plaques on my scalp became a lot worse too, the plaques were so thick that when I washed my hair my head would feel like it was covered in massive lumps. The plaques flaked off in large clumps when I would brush my wet hair and in the mornings I would wake up to find my pillow covered in skin flakes. My arms and legs were a different story. I had a couple of medium patches on my lower arms but my legs remained clear allowing me to feel comfortable enough to wear a school skirt in the summer months without having to wear 80 denier tights.
During the final few years of primary school the name calling and nasty comments had subsided. Either that or I had just gotten to a point where I ignored them. I was still shy about changing into my gym kit in the shared female changing rooms because of how my skin now looked but I was more worried about the other girls noticing the changes that had happened to my body because of puberty. I became less withdrawn in those years and became more sociable and outgoing. That was about to change, and not for the better.
In the last few months of primary school I had no idea what lay ahead of me in secondary school. I was happy and excited about being at "the big school" and looking forward with some concern to the prospect of having a number of different teachers to remember and a whole school to learn how to navigate my way around. At least this was something I wasn't dealing with alone, all of my classmates were too.
I don't know why I didn't realise that the bullying and name calling would become an issue when I went to secondary school. This time though it was much worse than what I had to deal with at primary school. I was separated from all of my friends and classmates from primary school and only saw them at break time and lunch, if I saw them at all. They were all busy making new friends and setting up new social groups. Again I found myself being the subject of ridicule and name calling. It all started on the first day of P.E. when we had to get changed into our gym kit in the girls changing room. Someone, I can't even remember her name, noticed my skin and let out a disgusted shriek which promptly summoned the P.E. teacher who assumed something was wrong. The comments by this girl about me having scabby skin and a disease that she didn't want to catch was the start of 4 absolutely hellish years. Word spread rapidly through our year group about my skin and then to other years through older siblings. I couldn't walk down a corridor without someone making some sort of snide or disgusting comment.
Later, the bullying would get physical. I am not ashamed to say I was involved in at least a couple of fights because of the name calling, I never started the confrontations but had learned via martial arts how to defend myself. My mum had taken me along to her classes when she had been told by teaching staff that I had become the target of some pretty vicious school bullies and to this day I am very grateful that she did.
Withdrawing into myself was really the only thing I could do. I had few friends, most of the people I associated with at school were social rejects like myself. The only thing we had in common was that we didn't fit in, at least in the beginning. Later in my 2nd year I joined a new local youth theatre, this was a fantastic activity for me. I could spend time being someone, anyone, other than the person I was. I played so many different roles from the ghost of a dead pigeon (don't ask) to an american tourist. I could hide behind the personas I was performing as and not be the vulnerable 13 year old that I was. All the while I was using creams, lotions and emollients on my ever worsening skin.
It was about this time that another worrying and inconvenient aspect of my psoriasis raised it's head... I started to develop skin allergies. It started with blistering and burning sensations when I used my coal tar creams and water filled blisters on my scalp from the coal tar shampoo. Gradually I became allergic to a number of laundry detergents (to this day I can only use Ariel non-bio) and fabric softeners, aerosol spray deodorants and body sprays, perfumes, moisturisers, soaps and make up. Just what you don't need as a teenager! Due to the reaction to coal tar my GP prescribed a new medication for me to try. I looked at the vaseline like ointment and doubted that it could possibly ever work. To my surprise within a few months of starting to use Dovonex (Calcipotriol) ointment my skin was less dry and the red patches were beginning to fade to a light pink. Sadly it wasn't to last long. Within 6 months my skin had adapted to the dovonex and the patches, while less flaky, had started to redden and spread.
My life over the next few years was difficult. The constant bullying because of my skin and the feelings of inadequacy as a person that it caused led me to become a borderline anorexic. Looking back the reasons for this were simple. I couldn't fit in with the social groups that I wanted to because they were primarily concerned with looks and my psoriasis was a barrier to this. I wasn't by any means an ugly teenager, I actually consider myself to be a fairly attractive woman and I was smart (another outcome of being so withdrawn and reading/studying a lot) the only thing that kept me out and stopped me being as popular as the other girls in my year group was my skin. This lack of control led me to desire control of all the other aspects of my looks and the one thing I could control was my figure... There was no way I could avoid family meals at home (I was the eldest of 4 kids and we all ate together with my mum and step dad) but I did serve myself small portions. I never ate breakfast and spent my lunch money on cigarettes. I think I survived on less than 1000 calories a day for about 6 months.
There was one person who was responsible for helping me overcome what could have potentially been a serious condition. I had known him for a few years as we lived in the same street and we had always been friends even though we went to different schools... He was a good looking guy and always had girls chasing him. Imagine my surprise when he asked me to be his date for a school disco. I can't say that I hadn't been interested in boys before he asked me out. I had plenty of crushes that I had been too scared to act upon fearing (in my mind) the inevitable rebuttal and ridicule. I knew that many of my school friends had serious boyfriends and were doing things with them that they really shouldn't have at their age. For me the prospect of any boy seeing me without clothes on was pure anathema. I couldn't bear to look at myself in the mirror never mind let anyone else see me.
Fearing that his invitation to be his date was a joke I was actually very mean to Michael. I said some hurtful things to him and actively went out of my way to avoid him. I had no way of knowing that he had actually been serious until he sat me down and explained that he'd had a crush on me for months. Me?? with my skin?? Apparently beauty is more than skin deep... He liked my personality, liked that I was smart and that I was a complete tomboy. Having known me for years he didn't even notice my psoriasis any more. We became a couple the night of that school disco and only separated when I left home for Uni in September of 1994.
I continued to use dovonex as my main treatment for my psoriasis throughout the remainder of my secondary school years. When my skin became used to it I would stop using it for a while then go back to it. At one stage I was given a steroid cream, I cannot for the life of me remember what it was called but it had to be put on to the skin for about half an hour before being washed off. Within 2 weeks of using it my skin was burning, itching and blistering. The GP stopped it immediately and back to the dovonex I went. Sadly by the time I left home at 17 my psoriasis had spread to my legs and even my groin and breasts. Nothing I did had any effect, the dovonex and moisturising regime kept it at a manageable state but it was always there, threatening to dry out and become itchy and flaky.
That was to be my regime for the next 10+ years of my life.
I know that the pressures on teenagers today are just as hard (if not harder) than they were in my youth. My daughter is just reaching her teenage years and the pressure to have the right clothes and gadgets is something that she is just beginning to experience. I am thankful that she didn't develop psoriasis like I did because I know how much more difficult it is to fit in for teenagers who don't conform to beauty standards.
Looking back on my teen years I realise that the bullying that I went through actually made me a stronger adult. I very rarely cover up my psoriasis these days, having learned that the important people in your life will get to know you irrespective of how you look. I'm a lot less sensitive to comments about my appearance than I was, and regularly find myself lecturing random strangers on psoriasis because of comments they have made. I know there are others out there who have not yet reached that stage of their psychological journey, mainly because they have not been living with psoriasis for very long. It can take time to grow into your extra skin but you will do it. One thing I know for certain is that generally as adults we don't really notice the differences in others and are more accepting. There will be the odd bad apple, but you are never to blame for their lack of education or their social ineptitude...
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